on renaissance fair attendees wearing centaur costumes

i totally lose it when i see centaurs walking around at renaissance fairs. how is that acceptable or historically accurate? we are all here to experience europe’s cultural and scientific rebirth, not your weird medieval fantasy.

if your ren fair is mobbed by these fools i have a solution for you. the best part is you can do it yourself and save the whole event from becoming a delusional catastrophe. here is what you do:

  1. get your quill pen and inkwell out. you’ve got some writing to do.

  2. draft a series of scrolls explaining how a moronic local cult’s attire has evolved to include elaborate half-horse-half-human costumes; they call themselves centaurs and you are not certain but you think they pee exclusively in the village swimming pool.

  3. show up costumed as the town crier and read loudly from your scrolls so everyone knows why there are centaurs everywhere (and where they might be doing their business).

now that everyone has a credibly-delivered and plausible explanation you can listen to minstrels singing tales of chivalry and attend a jousting competition without feeling ridiculous.

anyway, here is how i made an egg salad sandwich.

1. make a chunky egg salad. throw in some red onions, pickled jalapenos, and chives to give it texture. if you like it consider putting a ring on it.


2. make a ciabatta roll by throwing your pillow in a 400-degree oven or just buy one from the local co-op.


3. tally the number of days you have gone without a sandwich on your bread with some olive oil.


4. good thing you made egg salad because it is central to your sandwich.


5. pile on romaine lettuce but be reasonable about it don’t do something ridiculous like build a jenga tower out of thinly-sliced lettuce.


6. an egg salad sandwich that has too little egg salad and a dry ciabatta roll with weak crumb. i am not going to lie this sandwich made a loser out of some winning egg salad, which i ate a lot of after finishing this crappy sandwich.